I should slap myself.  I just spent $130.89 on a cluster of women’s clothes at Target.  Online. I don’t really own much in the way of daily wear women’s clothing, and that’s been bugging me a lot.  So I finally bit the bullet and just went for it.  There were a number of things on clearance at Target and some other fair sales, so at least I got a lot for my money.

Originally I figured that I’d look at Walmart, because I’m being frugal.  (Cheap.)  But their online shopping was so … horrid.  So I decided to try Target.  That wasn’t bad at all.  They have some nice features in their online shopping.  And there was a free delivery thing going on.  So free delivery plus sale and clearance prices … I was really only just looking but it was too hard to ignore.

Sizing is, of course, a concern.  I hope things fit.  It’s hard enough when you can’t try clothing on because you’re shopping online, but then add to that the compication of being a man ordering women’s clothes to wear because you’re crossdressing.  It’s not as much fun as it should be.

For that matter, can I really call myself a crossdresser?  I mean I’m not doing it for fun.  I’m a womam trapped in a man’s body.  I’d transition if I A ) wasn’t married and B ) had the money.  Sometimes I consider starting hormone therapy anyway.  But I don’t live my life as a woman.  I live as a woman hiding in a guy costume.  So does that make me a crossdresser, a transgender, a transsexual, or just fucked?

You know I had this weird thought last night.  The wife and I were talking a little about the surgery because we caught some TV show where transgender was brought up.  She can’t understand why any guy would have a perfectly good penis lopped off.  I guess I can’t blame her for that.  But at the same time, I don’t really get mine.  I mean it’s nice to have the pleasure it brings, even if at times it feels like some weird alien thing and not the flower I’m meant to have.  But in day-to-day life, when I’m not having sex, the damn thing is really just annoying.  It’s constantly shifting into uncomfortable positions.  I have to shave around it to keep the hair from getting pulled when it moves.  It likes to jump up to attention at the damndest of times.  It’s really a pain in the ass.  If I could still have great orgasms during sex without it, I’d be incredibly happy to be rid of the thing!  It makes me really doubt that whole “penis envy” thing.  I mean who would want one?  Maybe if you could store it in a box and put it on when you want to have sex, but not if you’re stuck with the bloody thing 24/7.  That’s just a bother.

I wish I knew more about the side effects of hormone therapy.  Will I get more emotional?  What happens to my facial hair?  What happens to my body hair?  Does my wee willy shrink or stay the same size?  Do I lose my libido?  Does my body shape change any?  Will my male-pattern-baldness reverse itself any?  Is there any risk of getting sick or something?

I mean I figure some of something must happen, or else there’d be no point in doing it.  Sometimes I really think about it just to see if it frees my emotions up a bit.  Not that I’m not already a “sensitive male”, but all my life I’ve felt like my emotions were … dampened.  Like they’re trapped behind a wall.  As a teenager it really started to screw with my head.  I’d keep asking myself, “Shouldn’t I feel ____ right now?”  And then I’d wonder if I was a bad person for not feeling that way.  Eventually I just sort of got used to it.  Stop poking the hornet’s nest and you mostly stop getting stung.  But so is hormone therapy just an emotional thing, or does it change the body significantly?  As much as I’d enjoy any change, my wife would probably get a bit unhappy if my penis shrunk.

And is there a middle-point where I could stay man enough to keep my wife happy on that front, but look a bit more womanly so that I’d actually have a chance at passing for one?  I’m not sure that I’d be completely happy living a double life, but living someone else’s life is even worse.

I guess I’m just rambling now.  Anyway, I’m really looking forward to having some nice ordinary clothes to wear around the house.  That’ll be a treat.  I got a two skirts, a dress, a couple of tops, some shoes, and some leggings.  Some of it is even enough that I think I could cover my body hair well enough to go out without shaving from toe to neck and still look fashionable and girlie.  If I had a wig.  And a lot of makeup.  I’m actually kind of surprised that I didn’t buy any panties this time.  Hmm…  I wonder what that means.

The wife may hurt me for spending that much money.  Heck, I may hurt myself.  But sometimes there’s that balance game between priorities and I think on an emotional level I really needed it, so it became a priority.  And judging by all of the money I saved, maybe the universe is on my side.  It’s funny.  Day by day I’m either striving to be happy, or struggling just to hold myself together.  It’s a roller-coaster and I feel like a wreck waiting to happen.  And for the first time in my life, I’m not sure how to fix myself.  I’m hoping that aknowledging the woman in me by doing this will help.

Okay, while I can’t sleep, here’s another thing bugging me: I want sex.

I just had sex today!

But for some reason having sex only makes me want more sex.

I swear if I had a partner who could keep up with me I wouldn’t even need to have surgery to transition, I’d just keep having sex until my dick fell off!

Sometimes I think I should have hormone treatments just to kill my sex drive.  Life would be so much easier if I didn’t want sex so much.

Masturbation is fun and all, but it’s just not the same.

Am I the only one who sex has this affect on?  Or do you always want more whenever you get some too?

I just signed up for an Adult FriendFinder account.  Same name: HinkyCorners.  I’m feeling a little out of sorts.

(For those not in the know, AFF is a place where grown-ups hook-up at the drop of a hat.  It’s pretty much all about getting laid.)

I love my wife.  And she used to satisfy me sexually.  Lately though …  She’s been through a lot of tough times because of her job, and because she’s having some weird health issues with inflamed joints.  Sex is rarely if ever lately.  It’s about to the counting monthly point.  I wish I didn’t have a libido.  I wish I didn’t need more than that.  I’d like to not need more than that.

I mean I shouldn’t feel guilty.  I’ve had three real sex partners in my whole life.  My wife has had … well … I try not to mentally count.  She’s had more fun than I have, let’s put it that way.  And so we talked about it.  She even told me once to go out and “get more experience”.  I know that to her, sex is sex and love is love.  I even promised her that if I wasn’t enough for her, if she needed other partners, that I would be okay with that.  Because when we met, she lived a much more … entertained lifestyle than I did.

And we both believe that we can love more than one person at a time.

So I’m 99.999% positive that if I just asked her, she’d say go forth and have fun.  Just be smart and stay clean.

But I worry.  I don’t think she’s ever really be “in love” until me.  I don’t want to hurt her.

But then I also don’t know that I’m going to have sex with anyone just because I signed up for AFF.  The last time I did, I made new friends.  Friends I never had sex with.  And right now that’s really all I want, I think, are just some friends.

Part of me though just wonders some times.  Am I missing anything?

And then I really worry about what if I hooked up with a man.  And what if I liked it?  How would my wife take me wanting sex that she doesn’t even have the equipment for?

But then I tell myself that I’m just being silly.

I think what really has me down is that I just don’t want to bring her down any while she’s already feeling down.  I don’t want her to feel guilty.

Love is hard.

And then there’s that other issue.  Me becoming a woman.  I tell myself that I don’t do it because I’d make an ugly woman.  But honestly, with enough hormone therapy and surgery, I bet I’d be fine.  Money, of course, is an issue.  In that I just don’t have that kind of money right now.  But much more than that, I know my wife isn’t bisexual.  She’s not attracted to women.  So I’m pretty sure if I became a woman, if I made the transition, then our marriage would be over.

And so I have to ask myself, which is more important?  My happiness from love?  Or my happiness from being a woman trapped in a man’s body?

I honestly don’t know.

Lately though, I’ve been wondering about finding some half-way middle ground.  Maybe just hormone therapy would let me feel better, and give me just enough edge to crossdress outside of the home on occasion.

The funny thing is, as a man, I look pretty awful without my facial hair.  But as a woman I’d look hideous with it.  Even if I shaved, the stubble under the skin is so dark you just can’t hide it.  And then there’s the body hair.

I shaved my legs a couple of weeks ago on a whim.  It was the first time I ever did it.  It took forever.  It was a huge pain in the ass.  But gods did it feel good once it was done.  The skin was so incredibly sensitive to touch.  And the smoothness felt so right.

**sigh**

So, I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  How far can I press being a woman before my marriage suffers?  How far will it take to satisfy that part of me?  Do I just experiment and hope and pray?

I’ve heard that there are herbal things to take.  To be honest, that scares me a little though.  Normally I’m all for herbal remidies in place of drugs, because the human body recognizes, say, crushed leaves as food.  Where as a condenssed pill of chemicals is basically a pebble.  I’m all for the holistic whenever it makes sense.

But HRT sounds more like it’s a major shock to the system, not just a quaint small amount.  So to match that in herbs, you’d have to consume tons and tons of them.  Which has got to both cost a lot and be dangerous to screw around with without a doctor.  So if you’re going to bring in a doctor for safety, then I think in this case taking actual medicine is a safer way to go.

But then what do I know?  My experience in this is squat!  I dunno…

So many choices.  So many ways to screw up.  I wish I just had the confidence to go forward and feel good about it.  Why is life so full of crap like this?