Hiya folks. So I am actually feeling better now.  Yeah, I just kind of disappeared for a while.  I needed time to myself.  To just escape for a while.  And then my wife had a three day weekend and we both just crashed together. We also reconnected, which was great.  We took a walk.  We swung on the swings in the park.  We went shopping and she got a new purse.  We ordered two of those big pizzas from Papa Johns days ago and we still have freaking left overs.  (I am soooo sick of pizza now.  Words I never thought I’d ever say.) Oh, and, of course, we had sex.  Repeatedly.  It was just a nice escape.  I think she and I are both less depressed now, and a bit closer again. Oh, and some of the stuff that I ordered came in.  I got some new shoes to play with.  And I got a nice plum cami.  It’s not everything that I ordered (darn split-deliveries) but it’s something daily-wear … ish. Of course not all was roses and sunshine.    I was rejected by yet more potential employers with form letters that don’t give any real indication as to what their problem is.  Likewise, I was rejected by my latest attempt at getting the attention of a literary agent. I know I shouldn’t let these things get me down.  But I can’t help but be a bit bummed.  I mean why can’t I find a programming job when I have thirteen years of experience and have worked on some damn fine projects over the years?  And why is it that not a single literary agent will even bother trying to look at my work before rejecting me?  (Well, okay, so I know that the reason why on that one is that I haven’t published anything.  But it’s that stupid catch22.  I can’t get published so that people will publish me because no one will publish anyone who hasn’t been published.) Well, anyway, for the most part I’m feeling okay again.  I’m still just as lost, but at least I’ve had enough of an emotional recharge that I’m no longer a wreck about being lost.  Or something like that…

My new dailywear begins with a nice plum cami. You will have to forgive the bad camera work. I still have not replaced my broken tripod.

You may have noticed that I got kind of quiet suddenly. I was busy yesterday. I’ve been kind of busy today. Where to start…

Well, while the wife was getting a massage yesterday (deep tissue therapeutic, not thefun kind) I went along with the idea of reading a book while I waited so that we could do all sorts of fun things like grocery shopping afterward.

But in the end I didn’t read.  Instead I went for a random walk.  I ended up in a cemetery.  It sounds strange, but I actually like it in cemeteries.  They’re serene and restful.  There usually aren’t many (if any) people around, so things are quiet.  And I figure if the dead are still hanging around, they probably appreciate the company.

I found a nice tree to sit under.  The shade was good.  That soft slightly-decayed smell of the earth was a pleasant balm.  The birds were chirping happily.  The squirrels running around madly.  It was a peace with nature I haven’t found in a long time around here.

You see, I used to live in Baraboo, Wisconsin.  I used to go to Parfrey’s Glen and Devil’s Lake often.  I’d walk with the faeries under the trees.  I’d play in the water.  I’d stand between walls of Earth and contemplate the stones of the ancients.  It was good.

I haven’t found anything like that here.  And I think it’s starting to really get me out of sorts.  There’s a local park with some trees and a tiny lake / large pond.  There are goldfish and ducks.  It’s … nice.  But there’s just no real elemental connection there for me.

Anyway, so in this cemetery I felt a connection to the Earth that I hadn’t felt in a year or so.  I took the opportunity to do my usual morning meditation.  Only this time I really felt like it was doing something instead of just going through the motions.  I followed with a Reiki session on myself, like I try to do most mornings.  And I felt much better and more positive than I had in ages.  The confusion and depression of the last couple of weeks was gone.

And in that moment I realized that I had to make a choice.  My depression was stemming from not-acting.  I had to either choose to persue my transformation, or I had to choose to stay a male.  Either would allow me to move forward again in my life and take back my control.  I’m not a Reiki master for nothing.

And surprisingly, it was clear.  I would stay male.  I’ll still have fun crossdressing from time to time, but my life is not ready yet for my transformation.  My life is not ready yet.  Emotionally and spiritually, I am.  But financially I am not.  And my wife certainly isn’t.  I could indeed find the peace of being myself, but at the cost of so much else, it would hardly be any personal victory.  So I would stay male.

For the rest of the day I felt wonderful relief in having a clear choice.  I knew I had to focus more on my writing again too.  Not my blog.  I write novels.  Only I’ve never been published.  I wrote them for me, not for the world.  But there are a couple now that I would like to see published, and on in particular.  So it’s time to find a literary agent.  And it’s time to focus on writing again.

My wife and I went shopping for groceries.  We went out to lunch.  We even went to Circuit City to pick up the Iron Man Blu-Ray.  (I’ve been dying to see that movie.  Was a bit disappointed that there wasn’t more to it, but maybe in the sequel, eh?)  And then we had a wonderful night of pizza and a movie and a new season of prime-time TV.  It was nice.

But then I woke up today, and felt, well, despondent.  Back at home, my meditation felt as flat as always.  The Reiki healing on myself felt uninspired.  And as the day progressed I began to question my own decisions.  It was then that I realized what the problem really is.

It’s not whether or not I become the beautiful woman I am.  Inside I’ll always be that me.  It’s not my trouble finding new contracts, or even better, full time work involving interaction with real live people again.  It’s not my writing.  It’s simply this fucking city.  It’s an energy drain.  It’s no wonder my wife’s health has been progressively getting worse since she moved here.  It’s no wonder that mine has too.  And that we’ve both been so emotionally drained.  It’s this place!

So now, more than ever, I’m committed to moving.  Which in today’s housing economy is not going to be easy.  The last thing I need are two simultaneous mortgages.

Still, it’s time.  I don’t know what sick joke the universe was playing when it convinced my wife and I to move here, but it’s time to leave.

Other than that, the only excitement in my life today has been my trip to a new dentist.  I hadn’t found one in the area yet.  It’d been a year.  Now that my wisdom teeth are yanked and healed, it was time for that fateful “regular checkup and cleaning”.  Which actually went surprisingly well.  No cavities.  All is good.

There’s only one thing that still nags me.  Why did I ever feel so compelled to go through my Reiki 1-3 attunements and certification a second time if I’m not using it?  What’s the point of being a Reiki master and Magnified Healer when I only work on myself and my wife?  For some reason that has been really bugging me lately.  I feel like I should be doing something with my energy work.  But I can’t seem to figure out what.  The only local Reiki Share group I could find isn’t all that local and I don’t actually get a good vibe from their online information.  I can’t find any local job advertisements for a Reiki healer.  (Not that I really expected any, but you never know.)  And I don’t have any place at home that I can even set up a massage table in anything close to a professional way.  I’m not really sure what to do.  I just feel like doing nothing isn’t the right thing to do.