For some reason I want to try to keep my posts down to like one a day, so that I don’t totally overwhelm people.  And I guess so that I can think of things to say during slow days.  But I’ve just got to do a second post today before I lose my nerve.

Okay, so you might have guessed that my wife and I just had some great sex.  Well, great for her, emotionally satisfying for me.  (Which is to say I didn’t have any mindblowing orgasms, but I wouldn’t take back that love making for the world.)

Here’s one of those things that’s been bugging me.  Anal sex.  For me, not her.  (She doesn’t want it, I’m not going to push it.)

In the past my wife has indulged my … eccentricities.  She even had a past boyfriend who liked it up his ass, so she’s not particularly squeamish there.  She’s been broken in.

The thing is … I’m not sure if I like it or not.  Rubbing the hole is always fun.  But penetration?  I don’t know.

Men have their own g-spot: the prostate.  And believe me, when I play with my own prostate-stimulator vibe, good gods is that one hell of a unique orgasm!

And when my wife uses her finger, sometimes she can hit that right spot too.

But both of these aren’t exactly … phallic enough?

What I mean to say is that while prostate stimulation is definitely fun, sometimes, most times, that’s not what I actually want.  What I actually want is to be a woman.  I want to feel my vagina filled with penis.  It’s like a ghost limb.  I can feel it, but I can’t touch it.  It’s there … but it’s not real.  But I want it to be real.  So desperately some times.

Anyway, so the problem is, sometimes I want to feel a cock deep inside me.

Except the wife and I have tried that with a dildo, and up the ass is just … weird.  It’s not quite the answer.  Sometimes I think it’ll do though.  And sometimes I know it won’t and I just get frustrated because there is no solution.

But I think part of why the feeling isn’t right even with a dildo is that it’s not real sex.  Masturbation is fun, but it’s not a body-jarring fuck.  You know?

So to that end, a while back, I bought a strap-on.  It’s a cheap one.  And small, because I have a very tight ass.  In masturbation when my wife isn’t around, I’ve tried it once.  With enough patience and gentleness (and a lot of lube) I can get it in without pain.

But I’m afraid to ask my wife to put it on.

And I don’t quite know why.

Am I afraid that I’ll like it?  Well gee, I would hope I do.  It’d help in so many ways if I did.

Am I afraid that she’ll reject the idea?  No.  I’m pretty sure that she’d do it for me.  She’s done so much else.  She’s really a good sport, and loves giving me orgasms that totally blow me away.  She’s almost got a sick twisted little devil on her shoulder about that.

Am I afraid that actually being fucked by a penis will make me a woman?  Not really.  I already am pretty quite clear that I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body, just making the best of a bad situation.  Which, really, most times isn’t so bad.  Sometimes it’s even fun to be a man.

So what am I afraid of?

I just don’t know.

All that I know is that I am.

There’s this huge part of me that wants to go put on my pink stockings and my white satin nightie and get fucked up the ass by my wife with a cute little pink strapon dildo.

And then there’s the other part of me that keeps freaking out, keeping me from asking her to do it.

**sigh**

I don’t get it.

Why am I afraid?  Nothing bad is going to happen.  There isn’t anything to fear.  And yet … I do fear.

Maybe one of these days I’ll stop banging my head against the wall and just get it over with.  And probably love it.

In the mean time though…

I wish I wasn’t such a wuss.